The Egg Episode
by Zelempa
Notes: Not exactly a spoiler, but a reference to 3x09 "Phantoms." There is also a reference to shallott's A Beautiful Lifetime Event. Thanks to Yolsaffbridge for beta and to alanna_smithee for pointing out what Rodney should be upset about.
As they sauntered back into town Rodney couldn't help but feel a puff of pride at a job well done, even if it had been a ridiculous job. They had crossed the savage jungle, survived wild animal attacks (and Rodney didn't care what John said--that had clearly been a poisonous bunny), braved Nature's deadliest perils, gathered Beckett's stupid healy moss, and come back again through said savage j.--all without breaking the eggs.
Rodney, of course, had been the loudest complainer when the task was first assigned. "We believe a society can be judged on two scales--how they treat their young, and how they work together for a common goal," the village elder had explained. "We have designed a test to measure both." He had rung a bell, and a moment later two servants or acolytes or whatever had come in, each bearing an oblong object roughly the size and shape of an ostrich egg, only deep purple with white speckles, and swaddled in a silky cloth. "You are familiar with eggs on your world? Very well, then you know they are extremely fragile."
One servant handed an egg to Teyla, who accepted it into her arms with a respectful bow, and the other was handed to Sheppard, who examined it dubiously, and then shrugged. The elder explained, "You must protect these eggs with the utmost care, and bring them back intact in two suns. Attempting to replace them is fruitless; we have already documented the unique pattern of speckles."
"We have to hold onto these things for two days?" Ronon's brows were knit in a perfect expression of disbelief, and Rodney felt strangely close to him.
"That is the period chosen for our test," the elder concurred. "You must treat them as you would your own children."
"Let's hear about your day care options," Sheppard quipped.
"You must remain with them at all times."
"No, no, no," Rodney had said, "absolutely not. We have things to do."
"If you cannot complete the test, we cannot trade," the elder reminded them.
Sheppard had called a quick huddle outside the elder's hut. "Let's just grab the moss and go. I think the jumper'll make it."
"Are you certain?" Teyla asked.
"Sure. What's the worst that could happen?"
"The worst that could happen is the missing side panel weakens the integrity of the ship and we all explode in a fiery mass," said Rodney. "That or we're all sucked out through a small crack or hole in the lower shell, liquefying our bodies before we even have a chance to explode in space; that might actually be the worst."
"All right, all right, we'll trade for the metal. But... seriously? Eggs?"
"This is absolutely without a doubt the most ridiculous hoop we've been made to jump through yet," said Rodney, ignoring the chorus of "What about..."s that followed. He continued his tirade until the others lost interest and wandered inside to accept the challenge.
*
Rodney had held onto both eggs during the remainder of that day's journey, juggling them and his handheld as the others surrounded him with guns ready to protect the scientist and the "babies" from wild animals. This was not an ideal solution, as there had been several near-misses, particularly when Rodney became excited at an anomalous energy reading and went to grab Sheppard's sleeve to get his attention, completely forgetting about the precious cargo in his arms. Luckily Sheppard's lightning reflexes had been ready.
"I think perhaps we should each take charge of our own eggs," Teyla had said after that. "Separating them will increase the chances that one will survive."
"It could have happened to anyone," Rodney sulked, but he handed Teyla one of the eggs. Ronon immediately swept it out of her hand and into a pouch at his belt.
That night as they camped out in a clearing, Rodney sat himself down with a pile of sticks and twines and began to build. "Engineering a highly advanced egg protection system," Rodney explained when John asked what he was doing. "I was champion of the Egg Drop at McDonald High. Or, I should have been, except for--well, but it's all in the past now. I admit I am a little limited as to materials, but I relish a challenge, as you well know."
"Right," said John.
"I do not think we should make soup out of our eggs," said Teyla, nervously eyeing the water John was sterilizing in his mess kit.
"Not egg drop soup," said John, who had become kind of an amazing expert at identifying the source of cultural misunderstandings.
Ronon and Teyla retreated to their tent first, and Rodney called after them, "Oh, thanks, now we have to look after your kid?"
"It's just an egg, Rodney," murmured John.
"Oh, excuse me if I think it's a little traumatic for a child to be abandoned while its parents go beat each other up or have wild monkey sex or whatever it is they--" and John shut him up with a kiss.
"I think this is more traumatic for little Hypatia," breathed Rodney between kisses.
"Jesus," muttered John, but he obligingly rotated the egg.
*
John took the first watch and Rodney was strangely touched, when he woke up the next morning, to find that he had placed the eggs into Rodney's protection systems.
Even more amazing (though Rodney would never admit he was amazed), the contraptions actually worked--through all the stupid jungle adventures that followed, and all the many, many times the eggs were dropped from various heights, they continued to sustain not a scratch, even when the twigs began to snap and the vine threads frayed. "The external frame is absorbing the shock, leaving the eggs unharmed, because I am an engineering genius," Rodney explained, and that sounded about right, so he went with it.
And now they were returning after not two, but two and a half days with canisters full of healy moss and eggs miraculously intact. John lifted them out of the now sadly battered protection systems and placed them on the table before the elder. "A-okay," he announced.
"Remarkable," said the elder, lifting one of the eggs as John winced into Rodney's shoulder. Rodney thought for a moment John had become so attached to the egg that he was afraid of letting it be handled by someone else, until the elder shook the egg suspciously and then asked, "Tell me, is it common practice among your people to boil your young?"
*
"I can't believe you boiled our young!" Rodney cried as they tramped back to the fallen jumper.
"I said I was sorry!"
"He boiled our young, too," Ronon pointed out.
"I'm sorry for boiling everyone's young!"
"I'm not getting into that jumper," said Rodney.
John sighed and radioed Atlantis.
*
"It was just an egg, Rodney," John whined from his place on the bed as Rodney worked on his laptop. "I wouldn't do that to our real kid."
"First of all," said Rodney, wheeling around in his chair, "it isn't about the stupid egg, which by the way I was not that attached to--"
"You named it!"
"--it's about the fact that you didn't trust me and my vast engineering genius, and it's not so much that that hurts? Right here? But that it's completely without cause! Haven't I always gotten us out of every jam we've ever been in?"
"When it's not life or death, you get sloppy," John shrugged.
"Oh, gee, look who's talking! Seriously, that was your plan? Make hard-boiled eggs? Did you really think they wouldn't notice?"
"You didn't notice."
"Yes, you've outsmarted me by coming up with a plan so stupid that it didn't occur to me. Congratulations," said Rodney drily. "Second of all--"
John heaved a great sigh.
"Second of all, our real kid?" Rodney placed a hand on John's hard stomach. "Is there something I should know, Colonel?"
"Ha, ha," said John, as Rodney turned back to his work.
"So what, now you go back to ignoring me?"
"Contrary to popular belief, Sheppard, the world does not in fact revolve around you," Rodney murmured idly, multi-tasking. "Some of us have real jobs that do not involve..." Rodney stopped mid-sentence and demanded, "Really, our real kid? How long do you envision this thing between us lasting?"
"Shut up," said John, turning away.
Rodney stared at the screen for a moment longer; then smiled to himself, turned off the machine, and joined John on the bed.